A chance phone call and unexpected request to visit turned out to be the best part of last week for me. Last Thursday, I was sitting in a coffee shop with a friend when my cell rang. I had a lot of trouble understanding the person on the other end of the line. But, I could tell it was an elderly woman and I heard the words, St. Paul’s. Then, I remembered this lady. I had met Libby two months ago at a special breakfast at her retirement community. Back then, we had chatted a bit, and I learned her family lived away in Texas. As I was leaving, I had pulled out a business card, gave it to her and said, “If you’d ever like me to visit you, just give me a call.” Her eyes sparkled and she smiled.
Here was Libby on the phone asking for that visit I promised. Problem was, I could barely understand anything she said. So, I told her, I’ll say a day and time, and you say yes or no. After a few choices, she finally said yes and we made plans for the next day.
I thought she might like some flowers. The purple flowers I brought matched her top! She gave me a tour of her apartment and then introduced me to a few of her friends in the hallway. She uses a walker and had a lot of trouble speaking, but I could make out key words. We walked all around outside on what was just a gorgeous day. We talked about her family and growing up. Meandered along to a beautiful garden and reflecting pool area. As she sat down, she pulled a book out. I thought… what a lovely book with a big butterfly on the front and then I saw her name. “Libby, do you have a published book?” She just smiled and nodded.
Libby’s speech problem comes from a rare disorder called dystonia, affecting her vocal cords. One of the key treatments is botox injections. If the injections are not regulated properly, side effects are paralysis and they make the patient look and feel like they’ve had a stroke. I could tell Libby has had her share of challenges with this disorder. But, as we walked and talked, it was as if we forgot the dystonia for a while. We were just 2 people sharing time together on a lovely afternoon.
Her book is a biography that took her 10 years to write! For the next hour, I skimmed through the book and we talked about all parts of her life. There were wonderful pictures, stories of a youth mission trip to the Ukraine (that impacted her life), her degree work, various careers….and of course, a lot about her family. I would read, ask her questions, and even if I couldn’t understand her speech, I could get the key words. I thought about how this wonderful book bridged the gap …. in our verbal communication.
I told Libby that I so wish everyone would reflect and write their life story…even if it does take 10 years! I felt like I was holding a treasure in my hand. Our time passed quickly. I gave Libby a big hug good-bye and she said, “I’ll see you next time.” I smiled, and as I walked away, I thought, ” I wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world.”
If you have even just an hour a week to share with an elderly person, jump at the chance. Whether the person is your neighbor or someone you meet by chance. Every community has retirement communities. Even if they have no formal volunteer program, they will welcome you with open arms.
So, go ahead, take a chance, reach out and make your life and someone else’s so much richer. And, who knows? Along the way, you may find yourself encouraging that person to share or write their life story!
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Great post, Dale! I frequently encourage nursing home residents to write their life stories as an adjunct to our psychotherapy sessions, but have found that people need hands-on support and encouragement to do so, often to the point of taking dictation. This is a wonderful activity for volunteers to do with residents. It’s a way of addressing Erickson’s psychosocial life stage of “generativity versus stagnation” and transforming the nursing home phase into one of giving to the next generation.
Eleanor Feldman Barbera, PhD
http://mybetternursinghome.blogspot.com
Thanks Dale. So often we think of elderly people being some “other” form of being. We walk past to take of of the mundane things of every day life…. and miss the rich treasures and history that they can share with us. Whether it’s a neighbor, older relative, or our own parents, you’re right. We’ve got to re-prioritize and have those wonderful conversations that could make the difference in what we know, understand or pass on to our kids. We can use birthday parties, family reunions, all kinds of occasions to capture those great stories.
http://www.talk-early-talk-often.com/family-legacy.html
Fantastic post, Dale – and I completely agree with Dale’s and Eleanor’s comments as well. That was the part I loved most about my work in assisted living/retirement communities…hearing the stories of the residents. I wrote down as much as I could but it was really difficult to capture them all!
Within the last year and a half, as my grandfather declined rapidly from Alzheimer’s (he passed away this January), I made a committment to call my Grandma every day to see how they were doing. After he passed, I told my grandmother that I would continue to call her every day, and I’ve done that. Recently, I’ve asked her to share stories about her life, about Grandpa, about her childhood – whatever she wanted to share with me. It’s been a great thing for both of us! Preserving family history and passing it on is so important.
Thanks so much for your post! Congrats on the new site too.
I’m inspired by all the passion and love I read in these comments. Thank you all for the taking the time to comment!
What a touching and inspiring story. I found you through your comment on Paul Lester’s site and this post provided such a lovely beginning to my day. Thank you.