5 Tips for Better Communication with Your Aging Parents

Many long-distance caregivers are preparing for visits with our aging parents during the Christmas holidays. We all want to make the most of the time with our parents.

But do you sometimes end your visit and
* realize you wished you had broached some important topic?
OR
* sensed there was something your parent was not sharing with you?

Before you head out on your trip, read some tips I gleaned from the book, “How to Care for Your Aging Parents”, by Virginia Morris. (If you have time, read the book It’s a terrific resource.

5 Tips for better communication with your parent:
1. It’s always good to proactively open the channel of communication with your parent. Don’t wait for a crisis situation to arise! As the author says, “most people find themselves reacting to each crisis only as it arises”. It makes so much sense to discuss options in advance of any problems, over time. In addition to medical and practical issues, also ensure you understand your parent’s financial situation and preferences for housing and long-term care. I recall how I felt I was invading my mother’s privacy by asking about her finances, but then she told me she was relieved to have me involved. Don’t delay these critical conversations.

2. But how can you broach such discussions? The author, says use the phrase, “What If”. Such as, “What if your arthritis gets worse and you need help in your home” or “What if one day you need full-time care?” If your parent doesn’t want to talk about it at that time, know that you’ve planted a seed. Wait a couple of weeks and bring it up again. It always helps to share these conversations with your other siblings (who may live states away from you and your parent). Try to get family members on the same page.

3. “Listen, listen, listen”. Sometimes you just have to be still, give your parent your total attention and be non-judgmental. A good doctor conducts much of his diagnosis by listening to the patient. You will learn so much by listening. If your parent is a non-stop talker and rambles, think of an open-ended question that will shift the conversation. Another great tip is to “pause” before you speak. Try it, you will be amazed by the power of this technique.

4. Put yourself in your parent’s shoes. Your parent is likely experiencing new fears and emotions even in the natural process of aging. Then consider all the other major changes they may face. If they need to sell their house and move, they will likely grieve the loss of their home and all the memories they associate with it. For my mother, even though there were major safety and health issues that prevented her from staying in her home of 30 years, it was her haven. I tried to understand what was really important to her, honor her wishes and then let her be free to talk about her feelings. There will be sad and joyful times ahead for both of you – share those times. It’s all part of life!

5. The author said, above all, treat your parent with respect. Don’t boss, don’t nag. Remember, “you are NOT parenting your parent“. If you fall into that trap, you lose the very precious nature of your relationship with your parent. There may be times when your parent is cranky/complaining a lot OR and when you are exhausted and frustrated with them. But, know that you are both confronting new issues and situations as the years go by. Be kind to your parent and to yourself. It really is all about how we choose to respond to circumstances. Choose to be positive and solution-oriented. I try to keep finding ways to create new memories with my mother.

So much of this sounds like common sense, but hopefully you’ll consider these points. Please leave a comment with other helpful communication tips.

As the author says it so very well, “Be Nice, You’re Next“.

Tagged as: Aging Parent, Caregiver, Caregiving, Christmas, Eldercare, Elderly