(If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my blog posts or request my Free E-Course. Thanks for visiting!)
I had an experience today that was a wake-up call for me!
I have helped my mother through several major and minor transitions over the past years, and I’ve researched and written quite a bit on the subject. But, today I experienced just a glimpse into how hard these transitions must be for our aging parents. Mine was a humbling experience!
My husband and I decided to visit a new church today. Our current home church is such a long drive each Sunday, and we really chose that church 15 years ago to meet the needs of our then 3 teenagers. So, my husband and I discussed options and selected a nearby church that we had attended once for a special service.
Nothing prepared me for how I felt as I walked inside that church. It was a feeling of being lost! And, I was not alone. My husband was with me. I knew no one. We didn’t know where to sit (my husband joked we were probably in someone’s established seat). The service format was different; much of the music was different. I heard so many names and references to people that meant nothing to me. I found myself looking at every detail, taking it all in with every sense. I was trying to make sense of it all, putting it in my personal framework. Not easy! The pastor greeted us and commented, “it is hard changing churches.” And, then it hit me.
How must our aging parents feel as they are going through a transition?
- when everything has changed around them
- when they must adjust to a new home, new ways of living and doing things. (A move into a retirement community really is an adjustment to a whole new culture.)
- when we ask them to downsize and expect them to part with “things” that carry a lifetime of memories with them
- when they are moved away from everyone they know, and every place that they hold dear. (their church, physicians, pharmacy)
Yes, transitions for your aging parents are often necessary. But, I encourage you to approach them with extra patience, empathy and a spirit of partnership.
Next time, before you discuss a major change with your aging parents, it might be helpful to put yourself in a situation similar to mine today. Go someplace where you know absolutely nobody and where you feel totally out of your comfort zone.
I guarantee you will be able to relate more empathetically to your parent and will respond with more compassion.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Assuming staying at home removes a layer of change that our parents would have to adjust to Do you have criteria that you suggest for determining when it is necessary for a parent to movie into an assisted living environment?
Here are a few things to consider.
1. Safety. If your parent needs more care than a home health aide or visiting nurse can provide. If they are confused or disabled to the point where being home is unsafe.
2. Your capacity. Do you and other family members have enough time and and stamina for tending to your parent’s needs, coordinating services, and managing your own work and family responsibilities?
3. Health. If your parent receives a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s or some other debilitating disease, it is time to start thinking about a move. I have read that it’s better to make the move when your parent is still able to be part of the decision-making process. That tends to help the adjustment.
4. I’ll add in a fourth, loneliness. Depression is so common in the elderly. As I reflect back, I think my mother was depressed for many of the years after my father died. Friends and family visited in her home as much as possible, but she has always been a private person, so only now does she share some of what she went through.
Each family and loved one’s situation is unique. One thing I suggest is to start to make a list of a couple assisted living communities that meet your criteria: geographic, quality, size, cost. Make an appointment (there’s no cost), and visit a couple with your parent. Give your parent some time for it all to sink in, and let him/her share their thoughts.
I hope this helps. Dale…
My first response to this post is “will you continue going to this church? Perhaps visit more churches?
The older I get the harder change is, it’s even harder for Bruce. I particularly dislike places or events where most people are young.
Miss Dazey, I think we will go back to visit more, because the pastor and message really touched us. And, the people seemed very nice. Although I often have to go to business meetings alone and have to get over any discomfort, a church is kind of like your home, one of the few places of stability in your life. I think that’s what makes it difficult.
Transitions and change is difficult for anyone… young or old. Add to that the emotional difficulties of dealing with loss of independence, declining health and losing the comforts of their own home. It is difficult and I’ve witnessed both the quick easy smooth transitions and the bitter fighting sad transitions that never quite make it. Patience and understanding are important. Planning ahead is helpful if the one moving/bringing in home care, etc has time to think it through, tour different senior home communities, etc. In the end, it’s likely going to be a tough transition no matter how much planning you do.
Kevin
Kevin, thank you for making that last statement. It is so easy to feel like you’ve failed in your efforts when the actual transition is messy, emotions flare, and the negative feelings outweigh the positive. It’s important for the daughter/son to know they’ve done their best, and then to allow everyone time to adjust to the “new” normal.
Hi Dale, Great article. Thank you so much for submitting it to SandwichINK for the latest Boomers & Seniors: News You Can Use blog carnival.