Many of us would agree, but then we take that proverbial step back, and challenge, “How can I do that, given our family history … our unique situation … the fact that we are spread all around the country?”

Well, one author tells us that we need to make this issue of sibling relationship a priority, especially in our parents’ later years.  That author is Francine Russo, journalist and author of  “They’re Your Parents Too!:  How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy.” I highly recommend Francine’s book.  I believe it is the most in-depth analysis about sibling relationships impacting us as as adults.  The book is a comprehensive look at every factor of adult sibling relationship….with input from the experts and 4 years of interviews with siblings from all over the country.  Chances are you will find some story, some example in the book that will make you say, “Aha!  So, that’s how I can look at my situation differently or … how I might be able to approach my sibling differently.”

Last Tuesday, on my BlogTalkRadio show, Francine shared her expertise and insight into the often contentious nature of adult sibling relationships.  I encourage you to listen to the archived recording of our entire 30 minute conversation!  (Click here.)

Here are 5 key points that Francine made during our content-rich call:

1. We need to realize that Mom, Dad and each of our siblings have different wishes, fears, and relationships with one another.  It is likely they are viewing a situation from their own perspective.  There is no right or wrong way to feel.  It is critical that we have empathy and compassion for each other.
2. Do not hesitate to reach out for professional help.  Elder mediators can facilitate a family meeting.  Geriatric care manages can perform an objective assessment.  Are family members feeling “stuck” with a particular problem or situation? Professionals can be a valuable resource!
3. Be inclusive of all family members, every step of the way.  Even if siblings live far away, even if they may not seem interested, keep them updated on Mom and Dad.  Invite them to every family meeting.  With no-cost conference calling and Skyping, the whole family can and should be involved.
4. Be respectful of the different ways in which each sibling relates to their parent in times of normal aging, illness, crisis, end-of-life and even in death and the grieving process.  Francine tells us that often one sibling will think another does not care about the parent, just by their outward actions.  The situation requires that siblings have an open, honest and ongoing conversation to reach and sustain an understanding of each other.  It is not easy.  But, it is important to do, not only for our parents, but also for our families, and for each of us, for our own personal growth and peace.
5. Lastly, Francine shares something she learned from researchers that I believe is quite empowering to caregivers.  Why do some caregivers become depressed while others experience “profound satisfaction?”  The differentiating factor is not how hard a caregiver works or many hours he/she devotes.  It is the meaning they attach to the experience of caregiving, how they value their caring.  And, we should never forget how important it is to ‘share the care,’ each sibling in his or her own way.

To buy Francine Russo’s book,  “They’re Your Parents Too!:  How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy”,  click here.

To buy Dale Carter’s book, “Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide through Crisis & Change”, click her.

To read Dale’s article, “How to Deal with a Difficult Sibling in Decision-Making for an Aging Parent“, click here.

• You are struggling to provide in-home care for your parent as their dementia worsens.  The physical demands of caregiving are beyond your capacity.
• You start to visit memory care facilities.  At the first center, you see “patients” lined up in wheelchairs around the nurses’ station.
• At the second center you visit, you see “residents” in a homelike setting, with their wheelchairs positioned in a circle.  The residents are holding baby dolls and gently rocking/stroking them.
• At the third center, you see a few staff (too few) interacting with the residents.  These staff members make eye level contact, call each person by name, and meet the residents in their reality.

After your 3 visits, you reflect on which type of place would be the best for your aging parent.  Which would you choose?  You wonder, are these the only type of skilled nursing facilities out there?

The answer is no.  There is something much better!  I recently interviewed co-founders of The Silverado Senior Community, Loren Shook and Stephen Winner.  If you have time, I suggest you listen to our entire 30 minute interview (click here.)

Loren and Stephen founded The Silverado on a special philosophy and set of principles.  Amazingly, their concept transforms not only the lives of their residents, but the lives of the residents’ families, Silverado staff and their families.

So what makes Silverado unique and special?  (Keep in mind they are dedicated to serving just the memory-impaired)

• Their focus goes beyond ‘quality of care’ to ‘quality of life‘.
• They follow the Assisted Living social model while still providing the needed medical support services.
• When you enter their building, you will enter what looks like a living room, not a lobby.  It will be an active, noisy place with pets and employee children interacting with the residents.  The power of inter-generational connection is valued, both for the sake of the residents and the children.
• Emphasis is placed on staff training so staff engage with each resident in a positive and loving manner, and intervene as early as possible with behavioral challenges, reducing resident frustration and maximizing abilities.
• Each resident is treated as an individual.  Each new resident undergoes a thorough assessment that includes everything from review of all medications to recognizing the person’s interests, strengths, abilities.
• Instead of group activities such as Bingo, there is a wonderful Club Concept.  If a resident loves art, they can become a “member” of the Art Club.   These club activities are offered at different functional levels.  There are no constant memory testing “games.”  There is no right/wrong answer at Silverado.
• Residents are allowed choice, in every way,  and are encouraged self-expression.  I love the idea of memory boxes outside each room.

Even if you are not near a Silverado community, we can learn from their positive, affirming manner of interacting with their residents.  As Loren and Steve write in their new book, ” memory impairment doesn’t mean end of life…but a new stage of life.”  As I ended my interview, I felt a sense of enormous possibility and hope for those with dementia and their families.  I hope this post has given you one or two new ideas of interacting with your aging parent or loved one.

To reach Silverado’s website and learn more, click here.

To read about and purchase their new book, “The Silverado Story: A Memory-Care Culture Where Love is Greater Than Fear”, click here.

Here are Kim’s words of wisdom for adult children in their role of caregiver after their parent moves to Assisted Living:

• Continue leading the care for your parent. Become a co-partner in the team of care for your parent.   You know your parent best.  Share your insight and perspective with the staff, in a kind and professional manner.
• Before you and your parent make a choice of community, ask for a meeting with their team, including the Executive Director, Activities director, director of nursing, director of rehab, and even the chef.   You will get a real sense of culture and fit for your parent by listening to and observing this team as they speak with your parent, you and each other!
• Walk around at different times of day and days of the week.  See how residents interact with staff members, and with each other.  If your parent is not comfortable with the culture of her “new home”, he/she will likely retreat to their room and miss out on the very important element of socializing.  Socializing can have a big impact on mental and physical health.
• If the assisted living community does not have a strong communication channel in place for families, step up and ask for it. Kim talked about how (in her former role as marketing director of a community) emails, phone and text messages were sent to families about their loved ones.
• What if you can’t visit your parent each day or regularly (due to distance?)  Kim suggests contacting the Activities Director.  She or one of her staff (or a volunteer) can help your parent send and receive emails and photos from family members. Think of the benefits:  one on one interaction with someone in person and communication with a family member   Don’t forget to send a handwritten note, or a family DVD with a message of love.
• What happens if your parent needs to transition out of Assisted Living?  Kim advises there should first be an evaluation of the “whole person”, again emphasizing the team approach.  The transition from assisted living should be a slow, smooth transition, if possible.  Avoid moving the person out in one day.

As I reflect on my conversation with Kim and the excellent points she made, I realize there are ways in which adult daughters and sons can have a critical impact on the comfort, happiness and quality of life of their aging parents in assisted living.  Advocate for good communication and respect for your parent “as a whole person”.  Be creative in ways to stay connected with your parent. It’s not just about how often and how long you’re able to visit.  It’s about your attitude and total involvement in their life and their care.

(To listen to my 30 minute interview with Kim Linder, click here.)

If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my blog posts or request my Free E-Course. Thanks for visiting!

Last week I had the pleasure of interviewing Susan Torrico on my BlogTalkRadio Show.  Susan is a pharmacist and founder of OnTime RX, a wonderful medication reminder service.    I encourage you to listen to our entire interview to understand why it’s so important to help your aging parents be “compliant” with all their prescribed medications.  To hear the interview, click here.

As Susan shared, there is little room for error in medication for an older adult.  If they start missing dosages, take the wrong dosage or take their meds at the wrong time,  their body will no longer have the right level of drug in their system to be therapeutic.  Know that one of the common reasons for an older adult to go into assisted living or to find themselves in the ER is that they did not manage their medications correctly.

So here are Susan’s tips on ways to help our parents stay on track with their medications, no matter how complex!

• If possible, go with your parent to their doctor’s appointments.  Make sure your parent understands what medication they are prescribed and why.  It’s important for you and your parent to have a current list of all medications to take to the doctor’s and to keep with you.

• If your parent is a private person or gets defensive when you bring up the subject of medications and how they’re doing, Susan recommends using this strategy.  Ask your parent if they can please help you work with them…to help relieve the stress and pressure you are feeling.

• Use ONE pharmacy for all medications.  That way any potential interactions will pop up immediately on the pharmacist’s screen.

• Always feel free to ask the pharmacist questions.  You can also ask the pharmacist to print the Patient Information Sheet (with all the side effects) in large font.

• One last valuable tip.  Use a digital camera to take a picture of your parent’s hand with the medications they take at each point in the day.  If they do morning, noon and night, that’s 3 pictures.  Print the photos on 8.5 * 11 paper.  And label each pill.  That picture can serve as a helpful guide to your parent.

Finally, check out Susan’s innovative service, OnTimeRX, an “automated reminder service that sends scheduled medication reminders to mobile devices and home phones.”  As Susan mentioned in our interview, OnTimeRX is being used by persons of all ages, from age 12 to 90.

• A free trial of 10 days is offered for the phone service.  A free trial of 30 days is offered for the software service.
• The messages are customizable (you type the message and the service uses a Text-to-Speech translator - a female voice – to say the message you want your parent to hear.)
• You can also use the reminders for meal schedules and activities.

Susan’s goal with OnTimeRX is to help persons stay independent as long as possible, a common goal also for our aging parents.

For more information, click here.

Thanks to Patricia Grace of Aging with Grace for an excellent interview on her BlogTalkRadio show last Monday.  I had the opportunity of sharing the core part of my new book, my new ADAPT method for adult daughters and sons.

I encourage you to listen to the archived recording of our wonderful 30 minute interview.  Click here.

Below are the 5 parts of my new ADAPT method, 5 steps to guide your aging parent through crisis and change.  (If you wish to get a more in-depth understanding of the ADAPT method, as well as a wealth of references and resources, be sure to check out my new book, “Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide Through Crisis & Change.”)

• “A” -> Assess. First, you need to understand your parent’s needs and values.  In my book, I provide tips on how to listen, observe, and have the right open-ended conversations about the critical issues facing older adults.  As a part of “Assess”, you also must consider your needs and situation.  Adult daughters and sons all too often overlook this self-assessment piece.    Understanding the situation, your parent and your capacity will pave the way to a successful outcome.

• “D” -> Discuss.

• “A” -> As a family. Discuss as a family.  Reach out to your family, siblings and everyone involved in your parent’s care and well-being.  Realize that sibling rivalries and old childhood issues may rear their ugly heads.  I provide direction in planning for and conducting a family meeting.  I also advise family members on how to get past common obstacles.

• “P” -> Plan. Put the agreed-upon plan down on paper, listing the tasks, timetable and who’s responsible.  I provide a plan template to use in order to capture all that needs to be done “before” the transition or change takes place.  Do not jump to a solution before the “discuss” and “plan” is done.

• “T” -> Transition. Execute the change.  I provide a number of tips to help ease the transition.  No matter how well you plan, chances are emotions will flare.  Recognize that stress and anxiety usually accompany a change.  Be patient, be flexible, but stay the course.

Patricia asked,

• “What do I hope readers will take away from this book? I hope they take away my process to use over and over, through every change in their parent’s life.  I hope they take to heart how important it is to: have a deep understanding for their parents and themselves; have everyone (integral to their parent) on the same page, and create and adhere to the plan to guide their mom or dad through the change.  If all of this is done with empathy and love, I believe the entire experience can build a foundation of trust and understanding, and bring the family closer together.

• “What is the best piece of advice I have for daughters and sons?” Start now BEFORE a crisis occurs.  Educate yourself about the aging process, your parent’s healthcare issues, their wishes and desires, and the community resources in your parent’s area.  My book is a great first book to read.  You’ll find a wealth of additional resources referenced there.  And, in the Appendix, you will find 3 new technology solutions for you and your parent.

While there are incredible challenges in aging and helping our parents as they age, there is also great opportunity for growth, creating a legacy, and connecting with each other in a deeper, more meaningful way.

If my ADAPT process is helpful to you and your parent, please comment below or send me a private message in the Contact Form.  Thank you!

Shon will share how elder mediation can help your aging parent and your family.  Have you ever had challenges in getting your family on the same page when it comes to making decisions for your parent?  It could be a conflict over an issue such as, moving (to assisted living or nursing home), driving, estate planning,  or advanced directives.

• Listen in to learn how elder mediation can help you, your family, and your aging parent.
• What are the steps involved in the mediation process?
• What are the challenges and responsibilities inherent in the process?
• How do you find a qualified mediator?
• And… much more.

Visit Shon at his sites, http://eldercarelifesolutions.com/ http://eldercarelifesolutions.wordpress.com/

Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

Listen online at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dalec/2010/06/29/elder-mediation–how-it-can-help-your-family

Call in at:  (347) 857-1461

*****************

I hope you were able to listen to my interview with Viki Kind (bioethicist and author.)  It is so worth 30 minutes of your time to learn about how to make compassionate decisions about your parent’s healthcare.  If you missed it, you can click here to listen to the archived recording.

During our interview, there was one question & answer that struck me as being extremely important to share.  I asked Viki, “What is the best way to find a doctor who will respect and protect your aging parent’s wishes and needs?”

Here are her insightful tips:

• Ask a nurse who knows of or has worked with the doctor
• Ask for a reference from another trusted healthcare provider
• Check the doctor’s credentials online at a source such as http://www.healthgrades.com/
• Observe how the doctor interacts with your loved one.  Viki advises the doctor should speak “to, not about” your parent.  In other words, the doctor should connect with, not ignore your parent.
• Test the doctor to see if he’d respect your parent’s wishes.  Take your parent’s Advance Directives to the doctor, and ask if he/she will be able to respect and implement end-of-life wishes.
• If your parent has strong cultural or religious views, it may be helpful to select a doctor of that culture or religion to ensure your parent’s wishes will be respected and met.

Be sure to check out Viki Kind’s new book: “The Caregiver’s Guide to Compassionate Decision Making: Making Decision For Those Who Can’t”

Her website is http://kindethics.com/

She will be on a book tour this summer in major cities across the country.  To see if she’ll be in a city near you, go to http://booktour.com/author/viki_kind

Tomorrow you can hear Viki in person!  I am excited to share that Viki will join me on my BlogTalkRadio show  to discuss how her new book will help family members/caregivers dealing with those who have Alzheimer’s, dementia, strokes, mental illness, or other mental limitations.  Viki has lectured across the United States teaching healthcare professionals to have integrity, compassion and to improve end-of-life care through better communication.   Patients, families and healthcare professionals rely on Viki’s practical approach to dealing with challenging healthcare dilemmas.

How will Viki’s book help you? Whether it’s taking away the car keys, moving to a long-term care facility or making the end-of-life decisions, “The Caregiver’s Path” provides an adaptable system for making choices while respecting the individual’s values and beliefs. The tools and strategies learned will help remove the continuous angst of, “Am I doing the right thing?”

Listen to learn about Viki’s new adaptable system, tools and strategies. And, call in with your questions! http://kindethics.com/

As I said in my review, there were parts of Viki’s book that just took my breath away, especially the last chapter.  Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

To listen online, click here.

Call in at:  (347) 857-1461

I’ll share how to use my ADAPT method to manage a caregiving crisis.   I’ve just released the ADAPT method in my new book, “Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide Through Crisis & CIhange”.  If you want to learn about the benefits of ADAPT for you, your aging parent and your family, please tune in.   I’ll also be sharing other tips and resources in my book.  And, I’ll be glad to answer your questions.

Before or after our radio interview, be sure to check out the wonderful resources and services offered by Denise Brown.  Denise was a pioneer in bringing support to caregivers via the Internet!    Thank you, Denise, for all you do for caregivers.  You are an guiding force and inspiration.  It is an honor to be on your show.

Denise M. Brown, a certified professional coach, helps family caregivers of aging relatives find the answers to their questions: Why me? Why now? What now? Denise began working with family caregivers in 1990, launching Caregiving.com in 1996. Her insights about the family caregiver experience have been featured in Time magazine, The Wall Street Journal and Chicago Tribune. Her Internet talk show, Your Caregiving Journey, airs several times a week at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/caregiving. She has authored two books for family caregivers: Take Comfort, Reflections of Hope for Caregivers and The Caregiving Years, Six Stages to a Meaningful Journey.

Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

Listen online at:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/caregiving/2010/06/14/adapting

Call in at: (646) 652-4944

Here is the link for Denise’s excellent website and portal to her caregiver support groups: http://www.caregiving.com/

(If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my blog posts or request my Free E-Course. Thanks for visiting!)

While discovering that our aging parent has Alzheimer’s may seem like a devastating loss, one woman shows us the way to view it as a life-changing opportunity.

That woman is Lori La Bey.  She is no stranger to Alzheimer’s.  Her mother suffered early onset Alzheimer’s, and after 30 years, is in the end stage of the disease.  However, all you have to do is spend a few minutes talking with Lori, and you will know that Lori considers herself blessed to have gained a deeper understanding and richer relationship with her dear mother…because of this disease.

I interviewed Lori on my BlogTalkRadio show today.  If you can spare the 30 minutes, please listen to our interview.  Click here.

Here are the highlights:

• As Lori sought out resources to help her understand the disease of Alzheimer’s, she found resources that offered statistics and talked about the disease from a medical perspective.  What Lori found lacking was a holistic approach that would help families understand how to relate to and communicate with their loved ones as the disease progressed.  Lori wanted to look beyond the illness.

• Lori began to understand that it is the ‘simple pleasures … the special moments’ that would mean so much to her mom and her.  In fact, Lori likes to say “grasp the moment, and embrace the moment.”

• Lori advises us “not” to lose our original relationship of daughter and parent.  She is a perfect model for what she shares with others.  Her efforts are always directed to help her mother feel great joy, whether through music, singing, a gentle massage, or saying “I love you” every time she walks in the room and leaves.

• On Lori’s website, she offers a special (no cost) tool, called “The Memory Card”.  She advises completing this small card and then reading it every time before you walk in your parent’s room.  It is simple but powerful, and it will frame your perspective so that you remember what is truly important in your relationship, and let any other annoyances go.

• There is another tool, called “The Memory Journal” for visitors and the family. Lori shared that often visitors do not know what to say or do, and may actually stay away because of this.  “The Memory Journal” offers a special way for visitors to write down what is most important to them about the person, what they want to remember about the person, and optionally include a photo.  This is a wonderful gift for the familly to reflect upon and share with their loved one.

Lori’s loving and fun-loving spirit came shining through in the interview.  She said if we ask an ill person what they most want, their answer will often be that they just want to be “normal” again.  She encourages us to laugh with our loved one and to always let the love flow.

I encourage you to check out what Lori offers on her sites.  Know that she is also a much sought after speaker, consultant and trainer around the country.

• To read Lori’s poignant and often funny stories of her journey with her mother through Alzheimer’s, please visit her ‘Alzheimer’s Speaks’ blog
• To reach her incredible resources, the Memory Chip and the Memory Journal, please visit her ‘Alzheimer’s Speaks’ website

Thank you, Lori, for giving families help and hope!!!!