Thanks to Patricia Grace of Aging with Grace for an excellent interview on her BlogTalkRadio show last Monday.  I had the opportunity of sharing the core part of my new book, my new ADAPT method for adult daughters and sons.

I encourage you to listen to the archived recording of our wonderful 30 minute interview.  Click here.

Below are the 5 parts of my new ADAPT method, 5 steps to guide your aging parent through crisis and change.  (If you wish to get a more in-depth understanding of the ADAPT method, as well as a wealth of references and resources, be sure to check out my new book, “Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide Through Crisis & Change.”)

• “A” -> Assess. First, you need to understand your parent’s needs and values.  I provide tips on how to listen, observe, and have the right open-ended conversations about the critical issues facing older adults.  As a part of “Assess”, you also must consider your needs and situation.  Adult daughters and sons all too often overlook this self-assessment piece.  I have often heard, “caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint.”  Understanding the situation, your parent and your capacity will pave the way to a successful outcome.

• “D” -> Discuss.

• “A” -> As a family. Discuss as a family.  Reach out to your family, siblings and everyone integral to your parent’s care and well-being.  Realize that sibling rivalries and old childhood issues may rear their ugly heads. I advise family members on how to get past these obstacles.   By all means, make the discussion and decision-making open, transparent and grounded in consensus.  One important caveat is to let your parent’s voice be heard and considered.

• “P” -> Plan. Put the agreed-upon plan down on paper, listing the tasks, timetable and who’s responsible.  Share this plan with everyone who has given input, has a task, or needs to be kept in the communication loop.  Do not jump to a solution before the “discuss” and “plan” is done.

• “T” -> Transition. Execute the change.  I provide a number of tips to help ease the transition.  No matter how well you plan, chances are emotions will flare.  Recognize that stress and anxiety usually accompany a change.  Be patient, be flexible, but stay the course.

Patricia asked,

• “What do I hope readers will take away from this book? I hope they take away my process to use over and over, through every change in their parent’s life.  I hope they take to heart how important it is to: have a deep understanding for their parents and themselves; have everyone (integral to their parent) on the same page, and create and adhere to the plan to guide their mom or dad through the change.  If all of this is done with empathy and love, I believe the entire experience can build a foundation of trust and understanding, and bring the family closer together.

• “What is the best piece of advice I have for daughters and sons?” Start now BEFORE a crisis occurs.  Educate yourself about the aging process, your parent’s healthcare issues, their wishes and desires, and the community resources in your parent’s area.  My book is a great first book to read.  You’ll find a wealth of additional resources referenced there.  And, in the Appendix, you will find 3 new technology solutions for you and your parent.

While there are incredible challenges in aging and helping our parents as they age, there is also great opportunity for growth, creating a legacy, and connecting with each other in a deeper, more meaningful way.

If my ADAPT process is helpful to you and your parent, please comment below or send me a private message in the Contact Form.  Thank you!

Shon will share how elder mediation can help your aging parent and your family.  Have you ever had challenges in getting your family on the same page when it comes to making decisions for your parent?  It could be a conflict over an issue such as, moving (to assisted living or nursing home), driving, estate planning,  or advanced directives.

• Listen in to learn how elder mediation can help you, your family, and your aging parent.
• What are the steps involved in the mediation process?
• What are the challenges and responsibilities inherent in the process?
• How do you find a qualified mediator?
• And… much more.

Visit Shon at his sites, http://eldercarelifesolutions.com/ http://eldercarelifesolutions.wordpress.com/

Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

Listen online at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dalec/2010/06/29/elder-mediation–how-it-can-help-your-family

Call in at:  (347) 857-1461

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I hope you were able to listen to my interview with Viki Kind (bioethicist and author.)  It is so worth 30 minutes of your time to learn about how to make compassionate decisions about your parent’s healthcare.  If you missed it, you can click here to listen to the archived recording.

During our interview, there was one question & answer that struck me as being extremely important to share.  I asked Viki, “What is the best way to find a doctor who will respect and protect your aging parent’s wishes and needs?”

Here are her insightful tips:

• Ask a nurse who knows of or has worked with the doctor
• Ask for a reference from another trusted healthcare provider
• Check the doctor’s credentials online at a source such as http://www.healthgrades.com/
• Observe how the doctor interacts with your loved one.  Viki advises the doctor should speak “to, not about” your parent.  In other words, the doctor should connect with, not ignore your parent.
• Test the doctor to see if he’d respect your parent’s wishes.  Take your parent’s Advance Directives to the doctor, and ask if he/she will be able to respect and implement end-of-life wishes.
• If your parent has strong cultural or religious views, it may be helpful to select a doctor of that culture or religion to ensure your parent’s wishes will be respected and met.

Be sure to check out Viki Kind’s new book: “The Caregiver’s Guide to Compassionate Decision Making: Making Decision For Those Who Can’t”

Her website is http://kindethics.com/

She will be on a book tour this summer in major cities across the country.  To see if she’ll be in a city near you, go to http://booktour.com/author/viki_kind

Tomorrow you can hear Viki in person!  I am excited to share that Viki will join me on my BlogTalkRadio show  to discuss how her new book will help family members/caregivers dealing with those who have Alzheimer’s, dementia, strokes, mental illness, or other mental limitations.  Viki has lectured across the United States teaching healthcare professionals to have integrity, compassion and to improve end-of-life care through better communication.   Patients, families and healthcare professionals rely on Viki’s practical approach to dealing with challenging healthcare dilemmas.

How will Viki’s book help you? Whether it’s taking away the car keys, moving to a long-term care facility or making the end-of-life decisions, “The Caregiver’s Path” provides an adaptable system for making choices while respecting the individual’s values and beliefs. The tools and strategies learned will help remove the continuous angst of, “Am I doing the right thing?”

Listen to learn about Viki’s new adaptable system, tools and strategies. And, call in with your questions! http://kindethics.com/

As I said in my review, there were parts of Viki’s book that just took my breath away, especially the last chapter.  Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

To listen online, click here.

Call in at:  (347) 857-1461

I’ll share how to use my ADAPT method to manage a caregiving crisis.   I’ve just released the ADAPT method in my new book, “Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide Through Crisis & CIhange”.  If you want to learn about the benefits of ADAPT for you, your aging parent and your family, please tune in.   I’ll also be sharing other tips and resources in my book.  And, I’ll be glad to answer your questions.

Before or after our radio interview, be sure to check out the wonderful resources and services offered by Denise Brown.  Denise was a pioneer in bringing support to caregivers via the Internet!    Thank you, Denise, for all you do for caregivers.  You are an guiding force and inspiration.  It is an honor to be on your show.

Denise M. Brown, a certified professional coach, helps family caregivers of aging relatives find the answers to their questions: Why me? Why now? What now? Denise began working with family caregivers in 1990, launching Caregiving.com in 1996. Her insights about the family caregiver experience have been featured in Time magazine, The Wall Street Journal and Chicago Tribune. Her Internet talk show, Your Caregiving Journey, airs several times a week at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/caregiving. She has authored two books for family caregivers: Take Comfort, Reflections of Hope for Caregivers and The Caregiving Years, Six Stages to a Meaningful Journey.

Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

Listen online at:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/caregiving/2010/06/14/adapting

Call in at: (646) 652-4944

Here is the link for Denise’s excellent website and portal to her caregiver support groups: http://www.caregiving.com/

(If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my blog posts or request my Free E-Course. Thanks for visiting!)

While discovering that our aging parent has Alzheimer’s may seem like a devastating loss, one woman shows us the way to view it as a life-changing opportunity.

That woman is Lori La Bey.  She is no stranger to Alzheimer’s.  Her mother suffered early onset Alzheimer’s, and after 30 years, is in the end stage of the disease.  However, all you have to do is spend a few minutes talking with Lori, and you will know that Lori considers herself blessed to have gained a deeper understanding and richer relationship with her dear mother…because of this disease.

I interviewed Lori on my BlogTalkRadio show today.  If you can spare the 30 minutes, please listen to our interview.  Click here.

Here are the highlights:

• As Lori sought out resources to help her understand the disease of Alzheimer’s, she found resources that offered statistics and talked about the disease from a medical perspective.  What Lori found lacking was a holistic approach that would help families understand how to relate to and communicate with their loved ones as the disease progressed.  Lori wanted to look beyond the illness.

• Lori began to understand that it is the ’simple pleasures … the special moments’ that would mean so much to her mom and her.  In fact, Lori likes to say “grasp the moment, and embrace the moment.”

• Lori advises us “not” to lose our original relationship of daughter and parent.  She is a perfect model for what she shares with others.  Her efforts are always directed to help her mother feel great joy, whether through music, singing, a gentle massage, or saying “I love you” every time she walks in the room and leaves.

• On Lori’s website, she offers a special (no cost) tool, called “The Memory Card”.  She advises completing this small card and then reading it every time before you walk in your parent’s room.  It is simple but powerful, and it will frame your perspective so that you remember what is truly important in your relationship, and let any other annoyances go.

• There is another tool, called “The Memory Journal” for visitors and the family. Lori shared that often visitors do not know what to say or do, and may actually stay away because of this.  “The Memory Journal” offers a special way for visitors to write down what is most important to them about the person, what they want to remember about the person, and optionally include a photo.  This is a wonderful gift for the familly to reflect upon and share with their loved one.

Lori’s loving and fun-loving spirit came shining through in the interview.  She said if we ask an ill person what they most want, their answer will often be that they just want to be “normal” again.  She encourages us to laugh with our loved one and to always let the love flow.

I encourage you to check out what Lori offers on her sites.  Know that she is also a much sought after speaker, consultant and trainer around the country.

• To read Lori’s poignant and often funny stories of her journey with her mother through Alzheimer’s, please visit her ‘Alzheimer’s Speaks’ blog
• To reach her incredible resources, the Memory Chip and the Memory Journal, please visit her ‘Alzheimer’s Speaks’ website

Thank you, Lori, for giving families help and hope!!!!

Join me and Lori La Bey, Speaker, Trainer, Consultant, Author, and now an ‘Advocate on Steroids’ for Alzheimer’s disease.

Lori will share her own personal story, the insights she gained and two wonderful tools that help adult children examine their inner journey and strengthen/enrich the relationship with their parent with Alzheimer’s.

Lori is also writing a book on Alzheimer’s disease, “Alzheimer’s Speaks -Guiding Caregivers to be Their Very Best! Giving Voice and Enriching Lives – As the Cookie Crumbles.” Lori’s Resource website & Blog: http://www.AlzheimersSpeaks.com Lori’s Business site: http://www.SeniorLifestyleTrends.com

Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

Listen online at:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dalec/2010/06/08/memory-chip-memory-journal–tools-for-the-alzheimers-caregiver

Call in at:  (347) 857-1461

• Create a Circle of Feelings chart. Please don’t pass this idea off as fluff.  Try it once and you will understand its power.  Draw a circle, and divide it up into pie slices.  On one side of the pie, write down all your positive feelings.  On the other side, write down all your negative feelings.  This exercise will help you recognize and acknowledge all of your emotions, especially conflicting emotions.   If you do this exercise regularly during your caregiving journey, you’ll stay in touch with your feelings.  Margery asserts this will actually facilitate your caregiving.  I agree!

• Identify your values. Then identify the values of everyone integral to your care recipient.  It’s often the difference in values, the unspoken “family” rules that cause the conflicts.  Margery advises we should do our best to honor others’ value systems.  But, ultimately, if we can’t reach consensus, we should be acting in the best interest of the person we are caring for.

• Develop a Delegation Plan and Can/Will Analysis.  Willingness to delegate can make or break a caregiver.  Asking for help is one of the most difficult things to do.  Margery offers a wonderful process for creating the Delegation Plan.  Once a caregiver decides what tasks can be delegated, then she/he decides who is the right person to ask.  Is the person capable?  Is the person willing?  Doing this step builds strength and trust in the whole circle of caregiving.

Margery says as we navigate through the caregiving journey, we will find ourselves transformed.  We’ll realize caregiving has taught us so much.  We’ve grown and developed in ways we never thought possible.  It wasn’t until I was thrown into a crisis and primary caregiving role, that I truly understood what I had heard many times before.  Caregiving is one of the hardest things we’ll ever have to do in our lives,  but it is also one of the most rewarding!

You can reach Margery Pabst at her website: http://www.pivotalcrossings.com/

The following are 10 tips Julie shared to help us be proactive and take action now to help de-clutter our parents’ home.  Do not wait.  Do this now for the sake of your parent(s), your family and you.  I can tell you by personal experience, you do not want to have to do this in “crisis mode.”

• Have the important conversations with your parent. She advises us to approach our parents with love and talk with them about their wishes.  Ask and gain an understanding about their financial situation.  Be sure to know where all the important and legal documents are.

• Start to de-clutter your parent’s home. She shares that they won’t like this, but we can just say that we’re helping them “thin out” the stuff.  The clutter can be both a fire and tripping hazard. Remove food that is expired.  Also go through linens and kitchenware that are no longer used.  On a personal note, my husband set out a table with 8 place settings of the best of my mother’s everyday china.  Upon seeing that, she allowed us to give away the rest of her dishes and glassware.

• Discuss and document allocation of personal property and heirlooms.  Create a wish list and have an appraiser assess value of the special items.  The goal is to keep the tally equitable and fair.   Better yet, suggest “gifting” of special items while your parents are still alive (to minimize fighting).  Don’t let something like a Grandfather clock or a Civil War sword break your family apart.

• Tell Mom you are helping her “thin out” the house, and every time you leave the house, take a few bags of donation items with you.  Julie has a great saying, “Dress the less fortunate”. On a personal note, my mother loved the idea of us giving bags of her clothing away to a charity that took it all to Appalachia.  She would ride in the car with me as I dropped the bags off, so the receivers could thank her personally.

• If your parent has already moved out of the house or passed away, begin the process of clearing out the house by using 3 separate piles (or even rooms) for donation, sell and keep.

• When in doubt, always have a personal property appraiser evaluate antiques and items you’re unsure of. Julie shared a story about finding a $50,000 vase in a laundry basket that a family was going to toss.  In her book, she talks about a painting the family considered ugly that was valued in the 6 figures.

• Continue to keep in touch with siblings and keep everyone on the same page. From my experience, this should be an guiding principle in all conversation and all decisions.  It is the only way that the whole family will keep their relationships strong and healthy through it all.

• Always come from a place of love. As Julie says, in the end, life is much, much more than the things, the stuff.  It’s about the wonderful deep and abiding relationships within our families.  That is what is priceless!

I highly recommend Julie’s book.  As I read it, I could tell it was a real labor of love.  As Julie shares her lifetime of experiences and wonderful story vignettes, she provides an adult child with a roadmap for these later years with our parents.  You’ll find guidance and inspiration to do the “right thing”.  And, it will make all the difference!

Resources:

1. Julie Hall’s book, The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents’ Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff
2. Her website: http://theestatelady.com/
3. My BlogTalkRadio interview with Julie

Paul will share his personal story, challenges and rewards as he cared for two aging and ill parents at the same time.  His parents spent the last 4 years of their lives in separate facilities.

For many of us, caring for one aging parent seems overwhelming.  But, consider adult children who have two needy parents, often with very different illnesses and needs.

You will learn from Paul and walk away from hearing his story with a smile on your face. Paul and his parents both maintained a positive attitude in spite of their health challenges.

Click here to listen