14 years ago when Gina became disabled, their world changed forever…shrinking to one room with an institutional hospital bed.  That bed became a constant reminder of her illness.  She didn’t want family to visit because she didn’t want them to see her like that.  Gary knew he had to somehow change that ugly hospital bed into a beautiful piece of furniture.    He settled on a simple but innovative design of slipping hardwood headboard and footboard right over both ends of the hospital bed.

As Gary shared, it is truly all about dignity in living.  He said that transforming Gina’s bed was the “best medicine” ever.  Her room looked like “home” again.  Her spirits were lifted, and she once again found herself looking forward to visits, and finding her “new” normal.  Gary learned another important lesson along the way.  Filling a family member’s room with the many products on the market was both overwhelming and unnecessary.  He adopted the goal of keeping Gina’s room simple, and functional but stylish.  And that is what drives Gary’s innovations forward.  He has seen first-hand how his products have changed the quality of life for entire families!

Gary’s company, Tender Care Beds, produces the slip-on headboards/footboards in hardwood in 5 standard colors, in various styles and even accepts orders for custom items (such as a cover for a ventilator.)  Other standard products include a foot chest, wall shelf and soon-to-be announced new innovative products!

Gary noted that there is indeed a cultural change underway to make the environment for elderly and disabled as homelike as possible.  ”In June 2009 the CMS (Center for  Services) updated its guidelines for long-term care facilities in several ways.  Out of the many changes made, the new ‘homelike environment guideline’ was one of the most revolutionary.”  So, whether your loved one is living at home or is in a skilled nursing facility, they can absolutely benefit from Gary’s wonderful line of products.

Gary’s goal is simple but so very powerful for loved one and their families, “To improve the quality of life for those whose world has shrunk to a single room.”

I encourage your to check out Gary’s website and product offerings.   And, check out the TenderCare bed community of users on Facebook.  You’ll find some amazing stories of lives transformed by the TenderCare bed.

http://tendercarebeds.com/ http://tendercareathome.com/

For the Facebook Fan page (TenderCare beds), click here.

There are some wonderful companies out there creating technology-based products and services to help adult daughters/sons and our aging parents.

I want to highlight one such company and product, FineThanx.   Before I describe the service, think about the following:

• How many of our parents forget to wear their PERS (personal emergency alert systems)?  I venture to say, quite a few.

• We’ve heard the statistics.  One in every 3 persons aged 65+ falls each year.

• With the growing desire to age in place and the risk of falling at home alone, wouldn’t it be great to have an automated system that checks on your loved one every 24 hours and communicates their status to their whole Circle of Care (including children that live far away)?

Peter Sharff, founder of FineThanx, developed an automated call system as a result of a person experience with his grandmother who fell, did not use her alert button and was not found for 2 days.  The company’s tagline is “make every day independence day.” This service does indeed meet the aging parent’s desire to age in place, and also meets the adult daughter/son’s concern for their parent’s safety.

The service is:

• simple to set up and use
• well-designed and tested
• automated
• flexible
• supports an aging parent’s independence and desire to age-in-place

How it works:

• A call is made once or twice a day to the home of the elderly person.  The automated message tells the person to press “1″ if they are ok, press “2″ if they need help.
• If “2″ is pressed or if the call goes unanswered after 3 attempts, an second automated call sequence commences, calling one person at a time within the Circle of Care (established by the family)
• Members of the family’s Circle of Care receives email notification of calls each day so they can rest assured their loved one is ok.

As FineThanx site says, “Use FineThanx alone or as the perfect companion to the ‘panic button’ device, and get a moment of assurance each and every day.”

After testing FineThanx for several days, I can say that it works flawlessly.  The calls come right on time, the automated calling sequence works very well, and the web-based dashboard to maintain the Circle of Care, phone numbers… is very easy to navigate.

I do want to mention a few considerations as you set the service up for your aging parent

• The calls appear to come from a toll-free number.  If you’ve told your parent to ignore toll-free numbers, be sure you tell them about this.
• Before you set up the Circle of Care, think carefully about who should be included.  If the family lives a distance away, consider including a trusted neighbor or nearby friend in the Circle of Care, someone who can get to your parent quickly if assistance is needed.
• Once you decide who will be in your Circle of Care, carefully explain (to each person) how the system works.  Make sure they understand what you are expecting from them.  I would also ask members of Care to let me know if they were going to be gone for an extended absence.
• One last important point. If the automated call sequence fails to reach anyone, 9-1-1 is not called.  FineThanx is a complimentary call service.  They do mention it is the “perfect companion to the ‘panic button’ device”.  Excellent suggestion.

For more info about FineThanx, click here.

If you use this service or choose it in the future, please comment on your experience.  Thank you!

Thanks to Patricia Grace of Aging with Grace for an excellent interview on her BlogTalkRadio show last Monday.  I had the opportunity of sharing the core part of my new book, my new ADAPT method for adult daughters and sons.

I encourage you to listen to the archived recording of our wonderful 30 minute interview.  Click here.

Below are the 5 parts of my new ADAPT method, 5 steps to guide your aging parent through crisis and change.  (If you wish to get a more in-depth understanding of the ADAPT method, as well as a wealth of references and resources, be sure to check out my new book, “Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide Through Crisis & Change.”)

• “A” -> Assess. First, you need to understand your parent’s needs and values.  I provide tips on how to listen, observe, and have the right open-ended conversations about the critical issues facing older adults.  As a part of “Assess”, you also must consider your needs and situation.  Adult daughters and sons all too often overlook this self-assessment piece.  I have often heard, “caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint.”  Understanding the situation, your parent and your capacity will pave the way to a successful outcome.

• “D” -> Discuss.

• “A” -> As a family. Discuss as a family.  Reach out to your family, siblings and everyone integral to your parent’s care and well-being.  Realize that sibling rivalries and old childhood issues may rear their ugly heads. I advise family members on how to get past these obstacles.   By all means, make the discussion and decision-making open, transparent and grounded in consensus.  One important caveat is to let your parent’s voice be heard and considered.

• “P” -> Plan. Put the agreed-upon plan down on paper, listing the tasks, timetable and who’s responsible.  Share this plan with everyone who has given input, has a task, or needs to be kept in the communication loop.  Do not jump to a solution before the “discuss” and “plan” is done.

• “T” -> Transition. Execute the change.  I provide a number of tips to help ease the transition.  No matter how well you plan, chances are emotions will flare.  Recognize that stress and anxiety usually accompany a change.  Be patient, be flexible, but stay the course.

Patricia asked,

• “What do I hope readers will take away from this book? I hope they take away my process to use over and over, through every change in their parent’s life.  I hope they take to heart how important it is to: have a deep understanding for their parents and themselves; have everyone (integral to their parent) on the same page, and create and adhere to the plan to guide their mom or dad through the change.  If all of this is done with empathy and love, I believe the entire experience can build a foundation of trust and understanding, and bring the family closer together.

• “What is the best piece of advice I have for daughters and sons?” Start now BEFORE a crisis occurs.  Educate yourself about the aging process, your parent’s healthcare issues, their wishes and desires, and the community resources in your parent’s area.  My book is a great first book to read.  You’ll find a wealth of additional resources referenced there.  And, in the Appendix, you will find 3 new technology solutions for you and your parent.

While there are incredible challenges in aging and helping our parents as they age, there is also great opportunity for growth, creating a legacy, and connecting with each other in a deeper, more meaningful way.

If my ADAPT process is helpful to you and your parent, please comment below or send me a private message in the Contact Form.  Thank you!

One of the best things you can do is help prevent dehydration in your parent.

Dehydration can be a threat to the elderly at any time of the year, but in the summer, they are especially vulnerable.  Just last night my mother told me how she sweats a lot even when making a short trip to the store.  She admitted she forgets to drink more water now that it’s hot outside.  And, as I was researching this article, I found out dehydration can cause muscle cramps, something my mother has been complaining about!

So, I want to provide a short list of why dehydration impacts the elderly more and also tips on how you can help your parent drink enough water.  Sounds like such a simple thing….drink more water.  But it truly can impact overall health.

Why does dehydration affect the elderly more?

• A person with dementia may miss the body’s cue for thirst and not even think to drink water.
• Chronic illness, such as diabetes, and taking certain medications are risk factors.
• Even the elderly in good health tend to underestimate how much water they need (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/12/071217192400.htm)
• An elderly person who is weak or tired may not have the energy to get up and get a glass of water.
• Someone with incontinence problems may limit their water intake so they can prevent an accident.

Why is preventing dehydration important?

• It can lead to confusion, fatigue, fainting, and unconsciousness.
• It can cause kidney, bladder and bowel problems and even delirium.
• Depending on illnesses and medications being taken, water is very important to flush any toxins out of the system.

What can you do to help your parent prevent dehydration?

• Limit caffeine and alcohol.
• Encourage your parent to keep a glass or bottle of water nearby and sip on it.  If acceptable to his/her diet, maybe add a slice of lemon or lime.
• Consume fruits and vegetables high in water content. Cucumbers, tomatoes, zucchini, peaches, grapes and watermelon are all very high in water content, and also provide a lot of other nutrients.
• One of the most innovative ideas I read about was a “water club” initiated at a UK rest home.  “The care home is also seeing fewer falls, significant improvements in health, fewer GP call-outs, reductions in the use of laxatives and urinary infections, less agitation among dementia residents, and residents reporting better quality of sleep.” www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/112365.php
• Suggest your parent fill a container each morning with the daily amount of water to drink.  They can set a goal of drinking it all by bedtime.

If you’ve found creative ways to encourage your parent to get enough water, especially during the summer, please comment.We can all learn from each other’s stories and insights.

The other day a reader asked me, “When is it necessary for a parent to move into assisted living?”  We have all heard about the studies that show most older adults wish to age-in-place. We probably have heard our parents voice that desire quite often. With the many quality home care agencies, and visiting nurse and physician programs, it seems that we should be able to honor their wishes.

But, the day may come when we need to think about a move to Assisted Living.  In this post, I provide key criteria that would indicate consideration of a move to Assisted Living.  As always, I encourage us (adult children and families) to be thinking ahead and to become knowledgable about local options in our community now.  Don’t wait for a crisis to occur when you have to abruptly choose an Assisted Living facility for your parent.

Here are criteria for considering a move to Assisted Living:

• Safety.  First and foremost, safety.  If a home aide or visiting nurse can no longer provide the level of care needed, or if your parent is confused and disabled so that their home environment is unsafe for them, then it’s time.
• Health.  If your parent receives a diagnosis of a degenerative disease, then it’s time to start thinking about a move and the options.  It helps so much to have the discussions and make the plans while your aging parent is in the early stage of such a disease and can be a part of the decision-making.  Yes, it is hard to confront the reality.  But, allowing them to be a part of the choice is so important for their adjustment.
• Your capacity. Do you (and those in your circle of care) have the time and the physical strength to care for your parent?  Do you have the time to coordinate the needed services, while caring for your own family and meeting your work responsibilities?
• Your parent’s social needs. Is your parent isolated or lonely, and unable to interact with others on a daily basis?  My mother tells me that when she moved to her retirement community, she suddenly realized how isolated and lonely she had been in her home (sometimes for weeks at a time during the harsh winter months.)  But, while living in her home, she accepted that as part of an older adult’s life.  As our parents age, they are continually faced with loss of  health and mobility, spouse and friends, and more.  Depression is common in the elderly.  Don’t minimize this need.

I strongly encourage you to consider each of these facets, safety, health, your capacity and your parent’s social needs, as you think about their need for an Assisted Living environment.

Here are some suggested ways to facilitate the selection and move to Assisted Living:

• Review the family resource offered below, from ALFA.  Learn about what to look for in an Assisted Living facility and find those in your area.
• Talk with your parent’s physician, friends and colleagues to get their recommendations.
• Define a list of your criteria, such as geographic location, quality, cost.  Also consider features important to your parent and you.  Are mobility and independence valued?  What activities are offered, besides Bingo?  Music, art therapy? Is there access and support for senior-friendly computers?
• Create a list of possible facilities.
• Contact and visit your top 3 choices.  Don’t just go on an open tour.  Make an appointment for a personal tour and establish a key contact there. Don’t be overwhelmed by the glossy marketing brochures and information you’ll receive.  Accept it and read later.  Ask to see rooms.  Schedule in time for a meal.  Say to hello to residents and staff as you pass them.   Observe interactions.  Make notes.  Follow-up with questions later with your key contact.  My advice to you, your parent and family:  call and visit as many times as you feel necessary.  Not only do you need the information, this will help you and your aging parent build a foundation of trust and comfort with the staff and community.
• If possible, allow your parent to choose his/her room.  And, as soon as possible, personalize their living space, so it feels like just an extension of their former home.
• Do not minimize the time and effort it will take for your parent to adjust to their new living situation.  Be available, listen, support and advocate (when needed) on their behalf.

A wonderful resource for families is ALFA (Assisted Living Federation of America.)  To reach their resources for families, click here.

I could not do complete justice to this topic in this blog post.  But, I hope I provided some key information and food for thought.  Please share your ideas and tips/strategies.

Shon will share how elder mediation can help your aging parent and your family.  Have you ever had challenges in getting your family on the same page when it comes to making decisions for your parent?  It could be a conflict over an issue such as, moving (to assisted living or nursing home), driving, estate planning,  or advanced directives.

• Listen in to learn how elder mediation can help you, your family, and your aging parent.
• What are the steps involved in the mediation process?
• What are the challenges and responsibilities inherent in the process?
• How do you find a qualified mediator?
• And… much more.

Visit Shon at his sites, http://eldercarelifesolutions.com/ http://eldercarelifesolutions.wordpress.com/

Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

Listen online at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dalec/2010/06/29/elder-mediation–how-it-can-help-your-family

Call in at:  (347) 857-1461

*****************

I hope you were able to listen to my interview with Viki Kind (bioethicist and author.)  It is so worth 30 minutes of your time to learn about how to make compassionate decisions about your parent’s healthcare.  If you missed it, you can click here to listen to the archived recording.

During our interview, there was one question & answer that struck me as being extremely important to share.  I asked Viki, “What is the best way to find a doctor who will respect and protect your aging parent’s wishes and needs?”

Here are her insightful tips:

• Ask a nurse who knows of or has worked with the doctor
• Ask for a reference from another trusted healthcare provider
• Check the doctor’s credentials online at a source such as http://www.healthgrades.com/
• Observe how the doctor interacts with your loved one.  Viki advises the doctor should speak “to, not about” your parent.  In other words, the doctor should connect with, not ignore your parent.
• Test the doctor to see if he’d respect your parent’s wishes.  Take your parent’s Advance Directives to the doctor, and ask if he/she will be able to respect and implement end-of-life wishes.
• If your parent has strong cultural or religious views, it may be helpful to select a doctor of that culture or religion to ensure your parent’s wishes will be respected and met.

Be sure to check out Viki Kind’s new book: “The Caregiver’s Guide to Compassionate Decision Making: Making Decision For Those Who Can’t”

Her website is http://kindethics.com/

She will be on a book tour this summer in major cities across the country.  To see if she’ll be in a city near you, go to http://booktour.com/author/viki_kind

Tomorrow you can hear Viki in person!  I am excited to share that Viki will join me on my BlogTalkRadio show  to discuss how her new book will help family members/caregivers dealing with those who have Alzheimer’s, dementia, strokes, mental illness, or other mental limitations.  Viki has lectured across the United States teaching healthcare professionals to have integrity, compassion and to improve end-of-life care through better communication.   Patients, families and healthcare professionals rely on Viki’s practical approach to dealing with challenging healthcare dilemmas.

How will Viki’s book help you? Whether it’s taking away the car keys, moving to a long-term care facility or making the end-of-life decisions, “The Caregiver’s Path” provides an adaptable system for making choices while respecting the individual’s values and beliefs. The tools and strategies learned will help remove the continuous angst of, “Am I doing the right thing?”

Listen to learn about Viki’s new adaptable system, tools and strategies. And, call in with your questions! http://kindethics.com/

As I said in my review, there were parts of Viki’s book that just took my breath away, especially the last chapter.  Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

To listen online, click here.

Call in at:  (347) 857-1461

I’ll share how to use my ADAPT method to manage a caregiving crisis.   I’ve just released the ADAPT method in my new book, “Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide Through Crisis & CIhange”.  If you want to learn about the benefits of ADAPT for you, your aging parent and your family, please tune in.   I’ll also be sharing other tips and resources in my book.  And, I’ll be glad to answer your questions.

Before or after our radio interview, be sure to check out the wonderful resources and services offered by Denise Brown.  Denise was a pioneer in bringing support to caregivers via the Internet!    Thank you, Denise, for all you do for caregivers.  You are an guiding force and inspiration.  It is an honor to be on your show.

Denise M. Brown, a certified professional coach, helps family caregivers of aging relatives find the answers to their questions: Why me? Why now? What now? Denise began working with family caregivers in 1990, launching Caregiving.com in 1996. Her insights about the family caregiver experience have been featured in Time magazine, The Wall Street Journal and Chicago Tribune. Her Internet talk show, Your Caregiving Journey, airs several times a week at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/caregiving. She has authored two books for family caregivers: Take Comfort, Reflections of Hope for Caregivers and The Caregiving Years, Six Stages to a Meaningful Journey.

Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

Listen online at:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/caregiving/2010/06/14/adapting

Call in at: (646) 652-4944

Here is the link for Denise’s excellent website and portal to her caregiver support groups: http://www.caregiving.com/

(If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my blog posts or request my Free E-Course. Thanks for visiting!)

While discovering that our aging parent has Alzheimer’s may seem like a devastating loss, one woman shows us the way to view it as a life-changing opportunity.

That woman is Lori La Bey.  She is no stranger to Alzheimer’s.  Her mother suffered early onset Alzheimer’s, and after 30 years, is in the end stage of the disease.  However, all you have to do is spend a few minutes talking with Lori, and you will know that Lori considers herself blessed to have gained a deeper understanding and richer relationship with her dear mother…because of this disease.

I interviewed Lori on my BlogTalkRadio show today.  If you can spare the 30 minutes, please listen to our interview.  Click here.

Here are the highlights:

• As Lori sought out resources to help her understand the disease of Alzheimer’s, she found resources that offered statistics and talked about the disease from a medical perspective.  What Lori found lacking was a holistic approach that would help families understand how to relate to and communicate with their loved ones as the disease progressed.  Lori wanted to look beyond the illness.

• Lori began to understand that it is the ’simple pleasures … the special moments’ that would mean so much to her mom and her.  In fact, Lori likes to say “grasp the moment, and embrace the moment.”

• Lori advises us “not” to lose our original relationship of daughter and parent.  She is a perfect model for what she shares with others.  Her efforts are always directed to help her mother feel great joy, whether through music, singing, a gentle massage, or saying “I love you” every time she walks in the room and leaves.

• On Lori’s website, she offers a special (no cost) tool, called “The Memory Card”.  She advises completing this small card and then reading it every time before you walk in your parent’s room.  It is simple but powerful, and it will frame your perspective so that you remember what is truly important in your relationship, and let any other annoyances go.

• There is another tool, called “The Memory Journal” for visitors and the family. Lori shared that often visitors do not know what to say or do, and may actually stay away because of this.  “The Memory Journal” offers a special way for visitors to write down what is most important to them about the person, what they want to remember about the person, and optionally include a photo.  This is a wonderful gift for the familly to reflect upon and share with their loved one.

Lori’s loving and fun-loving spirit came shining through in the interview.  She said if we ask an ill person what they most want, their answer will often be that they just want to be “normal” again.  She encourages us to laugh with our loved one and to always let the love flow.

I encourage you to check out what Lori offers on her sites.  Know that she is also a much sought after speaker, consultant and trainer around the country.

• To read Lori’s poignant and often funny stories of her journey with her mother through Alzheimer’s, please visit her ‘Alzheimer’s Speaks’ blog
• To reach her incredible resources, the Memory Chip and the Memory Journal, please visit her ‘Alzheimer’s Speaks’ website

Thank you, Lori, for giving families help and hope!!!!