14 years ago when Gina became disabled, their world changed forever…shrinking to one room with an institutional hospital bed.  That bed became a constant reminder of her illness.  She didn’t want family to visit because she didn’t want them to see her like that.  Gary knew he had to somehow change that ugly hospital bed into a beautiful piece of furniture.    He settled on a simple but innovative design of slipping hardwood headboard and footboard right over both ends of the hospital bed.

As Gary shared, it is truly all about dignity in living.  He said that transforming Gina’s bed was the “best medicine” ever.  Her room looked like “home” again.  Her spirits were lifted, and she once again found herself looking forward to visits, and finding her “new” normal.  Gary learned another important lesson along the way.  Filling a family member’s room with the many products on the market was both overwhelming and unnecessary.  He adopted the goal of keeping Gina’s room simple, and functional but stylish.  And that is what drives Gary’s innovations forward.  He has seen first-hand how his products have changed the quality of life for entire families!

Gary’s company, Tender Care Beds, produces the slip-on headboards/footboards in hardwood in 5 standard colors, in various styles and even accepts orders for custom items (such as a cover for a ventilator.)  Other standard products include a foot chest, wall shelf and soon-to-be announced new innovative products!

Gary noted that there is indeed a cultural change underway to make the environment for elderly and disabled as homelike as possible.  ”In June 2009 the CMS (Center for  Services) updated its guidelines for long-term care facilities in several ways.  Out of the many changes made, the new ‘homelike environment guideline’ was one of the most revolutionary.”  So, whether your loved one is living at home or is in a skilled nursing facility, they can absolutely benefit from Gary’s wonderful line of products.

Gary’s goal is simple but so very powerful for loved one and their families, “To improve the quality of life for those whose world has shrunk to a single room.”

I encourage your to check out Gary’s website and product offerings.   And, check out the TenderCare bed community of users on Facebook.  You’ll find some amazing stories of lives transformed by the TenderCare bed.

http://tendercarebeds.com/ http://tendercareathome.com/

For the Facebook Fan page (TenderCare beds), click here.

Thanks to Patricia Grace of Aging with Grace for an excellent interview on her BlogTalkRadio show last Monday.  I had the opportunity of sharing the core part of my new book, my new ADAPT method for adult daughters and sons.

I encourage you to listen to the archived recording of our wonderful 30 minute interview.  Click here.

Below are the 5 parts of my new ADAPT method, 5 steps to guide your aging parent through crisis and change.  (If you wish to get a more in-depth understanding of the ADAPT method, as well as a wealth of references and resources, be sure to check out my new book, “Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide Through Crisis & Change.”)

• “A” -> Assess. First, you need to understand your parent’s needs and values.  I provide tips on how to listen, observe, and have the right open-ended conversations about the critical issues facing older adults.  As a part of “Assess”, you also must consider your needs and situation.  Adult daughters and sons all too often overlook this self-assessment piece.  I have often heard, “caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint.”  Understanding the situation, your parent and your capacity will pave the way to a successful outcome.

• “D” -> Discuss.

• “A” -> As a family. Discuss as a family.  Reach out to your family, siblings and everyone integral to your parent’s care and well-being.  Realize that sibling rivalries and old childhood issues may rear their ugly heads. I advise family members on how to get past these obstacles.   By all means, make the discussion and decision-making open, transparent and grounded in consensus.  One important caveat is to let your parent’s voice be heard and considered.

• “P” -> Plan. Put the agreed-upon plan down on paper, listing the tasks, timetable and who’s responsible.  Share this plan with everyone who has given input, has a task, or needs to be kept in the communication loop.  Do not jump to a solution before the “discuss” and “plan” is done.

• “T” -> Transition. Execute the change.  I provide a number of tips to help ease the transition.  No matter how well you plan, chances are emotions will flare.  Recognize that stress and anxiety usually accompany a change.  Be patient, be flexible, but stay the course.

Patricia asked,

• “What do I hope readers will take away from this book? I hope they take away my process to use over and over, through every change in their parent’s life.  I hope they take to heart how important it is to: have a deep understanding for their parents and themselves; have everyone (integral to their parent) on the same page, and create and adhere to the plan to guide their mom or dad through the change.  If all of this is done with empathy and love, I believe the entire experience can build a foundation of trust and understanding, and bring the family closer together.

• “What is the best piece of advice I have for daughters and sons?” Start now BEFORE a crisis occurs.  Educate yourself about the aging process, your parent’s healthcare issues, their wishes and desires, and the community resources in your parent’s area.  My book is a great first book to read.  You’ll find a wealth of additional resources referenced there.  And, in the Appendix, you will find 3 new technology solutions for you and your parent.

While there are incredible challenges in aging and helping our parents as they age, there is also great opportunity for growth, creating a legacy, and connecting with each other in a deeper, more meaningful way.

If my ADAPT process is helpful to you and your parent, please comment below or send me a private message in the Contact Form.  Thank you!

It really starts with you… and your attitude, approach and response to your aging parent!

Whenever you are helping your parent face a crisis or change, start out by following these 3 tips. These actions will give you insight into your parent’s needs, values and what’s really important to them.  You’ll find yourself more open and empathetic to your parents.  You’ll also be building a foundation of trust and understanding….a real key to helping them.

Here are my 3 simple but powerful tips:

• Slow down. We live in such a fast paced world.  You literally have to slow yourself and your pace down.  Put aside any distractions.  Fully focus on your parent.    One common phrase I hear from older adults, “I need more time to sort through or deal with…..”  They are trying to make sense of the monumental change going on in their lives.   Slow yourself down, allow the process to slow down,  enter their world and share in their journey.

• Listen. Drop any pre-conceived ideas about what’s best for your parent.  Stop the chatter in your mind.  If you will just be silent, your parents will discover they are in a safe place, and they will begin to share….what  their fears and concerns are, what their hopes are.  You will learn what’s really important to them.

• Observe.  Observe their daily routine, the way they move, what they struggle with.  Also watch as they interact with their friends and the people and world around them.  Remember our parents are not defined by their illness or diagnosis, whether it’s Alzheimer’s, loss of mobility or whatever.  They are still very much a whole person, and we must understand and respond to them as whole persons and all of their needs ….. their physical, cognitive, emotional, social and spiritual needs.

If you like these tips and want to hear more, you can check out my new book, “Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide to Crisis & Change”.  Click here.

The other day a reader asked me, “When is it necessary for a parent to move into assisted living?”  We have all heard about the studies that show most older adults wish to age-in-place. We probably have heard our parents voice that desire quite often. With the many quality home care agencies, and visiting nurse and physician programs, it seems that we should be able to honor their wishes.

But, the day may come when we need to think about a move to Assisted Living.  In this post, I provide key criteria that would indicate consideration of a move to Assisted Living.  As always, I encourage us (adult children and families) to be thinking ahead and to become knowledgable about local options in our community now.  Don’t wait for a crisis to occur when you have to abruptly choose an Assisted Living facility for your parent.

Here are criteria for considering a move to Assisted Living:

• Safety.  First and foremost, safety.  If a home aide or visiting nurse can no longer provide the level of care needed, or if your parent is confused and disabled so that their home environment is unsafe for them, then it’s time.
• Health.  If your parent receives a diagnosis of a degenerative disease, then it’s time to start thinking about a move and the options.  It helps so much to have the discussions and make the plans while your aging parent is in the early stage of such a disease and can be a part of the decision-making.  Yes, it is hard to confront the reality.  But, allowing them to be a part of the choice is so important for their adjustment.
• Your capacity. Do you (and those in your circle of care) have the time and the physical strength to care for your parent?  Do you have the time to coordinate the needed services, while caring for your own family and meeting your work responsibilities?
• Your parent’s social needs. Is your parent isolated or lonely, and unable to interact with others on a daily basis?  My mother tells me that when she moved to her retirement community, she suddenly realized how isolated and lonely she had been in her home (sometimes for weeks at a time during the harsh winter months.)  But, while living in her home, she accepted that as part of an older adult’s life.  As our parents age, they are continually faced with loss of  health and mobility, spouse and friends, and more.  Depression is common in the elderly.  Don’t minimize this need.

I strongly encourage you to consider each of these facets, safety, health, your capacity and your parent’s social needs, as you think about their need for an Assisted Living environment.

Here are some suggested ways to facilitate the selection and move to Assisted Living:

• Review the family resource offered below, from ALFA.  Learn about what to look for in an Assisted Living facility and find those in your area.
• Talk with your parent’s physician, friends and colleagues to get their recommendations.
• Define a list of your criteria, such as geographic location, quality, cost.  Also consider features important to your parent and you.  Are mobility and independence valued?  What activities are offered, besides Bingo?  Music, art therapy? Is there access and support for senior-friendly computers?
• Create a list of possible facilities.
• Contact and visit your top 3 choices.  Don’t just go on an open tour.  Make an appointment for a personal tour and establish a key contact there. Don’t be overwhelmed by the glossy marketing brochures and information you’ll receive.  Accept it and read later.  Ask to see rooms.  Schedule in time for a meal.  Say to hello to residents and staff as you pass them.   Observe interactions.  Make notes.  Follow-up with questions later with your key contact.  My advice to you, your parent and family:  call and visit as many times as you feel necessary.  Not only do you need the information, this will help you and your aging parent build a foundation of trust and comfort with the staff and community.
• If possible, allow your parent to choose his/her room.  And, as soon as possible, personalize their living space, so it feels like just an extension of their former home.
• Do not minimize the time and effort it will take for your parent to adjust to their new living situation.  Be available, listen, support and advocate (when needed) on their behalf.

A wonderful resource for families is ALFA (Assisted Living Federation of America.)  To reach their resources for families, click here.

I could not do complete justice to this topic in this blog post.  But, I hope I provided some key information and food for thought.  Please share your ideas and tips/strategies.

Last year when I told a friend I was trying out some new elder-friendly software on my mother, he urged me to give Pointerware a try.  Much to my chagrin, I never followed up… until last week when I tested the product.  Now I totally understand why my friend and his elderly parents are fans.

Let me tell you why this software is heads and shoulders above the rest.  The two founders/developers had their grandmother and her elderly friend be part of the testing as they developed the product.   The product is developed with the everyday challenges of the elderly in mind.  Your parent can have a physical disability (such as low vision or arthritis), cognitive impairment or low level of literacy.  That is OK.  The design of the product allows for all of that.  ”The PointerWare team is committed to the values of connectedness,empowerment and simplicity.”  This is evident in every aspect of the product.

I want to share the key functionality of the product – what sets it apart from other elder email/Internet access software.

1. Although Pointerware has to be downloaded to the computer (it is not web-based), the download process is very well-defined and works flawlessly.  Every step of the way, you are given complete instructions and guidance.  My suggestion would be to do the install alone and then have your parent join you.  You’ll want to know the functionality and then introduce your parent to Pointerware.
2. The first time you launch Pointerware, enjoy watching your parent’s reaction!
3. You’ll hear a voice say, “Good afternoon, welcome to the Main Menu”.  Yes, there is enough audio so that the older adult feels as if they’re being guided.
4. You’ll see Pointeware fill the entire screen, with a white background, black letters and very large icons with large text.  This is wonderful for those with a visual impairment or for those who have trouble using a mouse.
5. The icons offered are “Internet, Photos, Mail, Phone, Games”.
6. The Home icon is visible on all screens with the image of a dog.  I love that!  No matter where you are, if you get confused, you can find the dog, click and go to Home.
7. Under Internet, you can save and “bookmark” favorite sites.
8. Under Photos, you can send photos out.
9. Under Mail, you can send and receive mail.  The navigation buttons make the process very easy to understand.
10. I especially like the Phone functionality.  In the download process, you can integrate Pointerware into Skype.  So, your parent can actually be calling out through Skype while they’re still in Pointerware.  And there’s this wonderful audio and video test available.  I had a problem with my microphone and that allowed me to troubleshoot and get the problem quickly resolved.

Pointerware offers a 30 day f.r.e.e trial followed by a choice of a one-time charge or a low monthly charge.

The product is also available to assisted living communities at a small charge per user.

I recall years ago in technology circles, we’d talk about the digital divide among the rich and poor.  As I work with the elderly, I realize the digital divide extends to the elderly, many of whom are not able to utilize technology to connect with their loved ones and the world around them.  No more!

To check out Pointerware for your aging parent, click here. (If you decide to purchase, please use coupon code of “Transition”.)

Elder abuse can happen to any older adult in any situation.  It’s estimated that 1 in 5 cases go unreported.  Financial abuse alone costs our seniors $2.6 billion each year!

I encourage you to listen in to my presentation, “Elder Abuse, How Can I Help”, today on the AgeTek webinar, June 17th at 2pm Eastern.  I’ll be presenting the risk factors, symptoms and action steps each one of us can take to help prevent or stop elder abuse. Feel free to listen online at https://my.dimdim.com/grandcare/

Below is a special post with information that I do not have time to include on the call:

Elder abuse is something I don’t like to think about. It’s a tough subject to write about. But, each of us needs to raise our level of awareness so we can protect our aging parents. Elder abuse can take many forms. When I hear the term, I think about physical abuse and neglect of the elderly by hired employees in a nursing home. But, it encompasses so much more.

The National Center on Elder Abuse (NCEA) lists these other forms: emotional or psychological abuse; verbal abuse and threats; financial abuse and exploitation, sexual abuse, and abandonment. It can happen anywhere: nursing home, private home and other institutions. Surprisingly, it affects the elderly across all socio-economic classes. Dementia is an especially strong risk factor.

This particular article focuses on Elder financial abuse. The elderly can be financially abused by mail fraud, phone fraud, business fraud and stealing by a family member or hired caregiver, or visitor. Today, I heard yet another instance of a trusted caregiver stealing a large sum of money, $20,000, from an elderly man.

Here are some key ways we can prevent financial abuse from happening to our elderly loved ones.

• Stay in frequent contact with elderly relatives, and keep lines of communication open.
• Be observant and perceptive about any physical or behavioral change.
• Choose any caregiver carefully. Never select one through an ad. Use a licensed, bonded agency. Hire an investigator to ensure the potential caregiver is not a convicted felon.
• Keep a photographed inventory of all jewelry in a locked box.
• Use a criss-cross shredder on any paperwork containing identifying information.
• Protect incoming and outgoing mail. Getting a Post Office box is a good preventive measure.
• Obtain a credit search for your parent 2-3 times a year.
• Have Caller Id on the phone. Teach your parents to not answer “unknown” or “out of area”. Tell them that scam artists use the phone as a weapon, and it is OK to hang up on someone.
• Tell them “You will NEVER win a foreign lottery”.
• Have a duplicate copy of their banking account statements sent to a trusted family member.
• Tell them to not assume a handyman is to be trusted, even if he has a wonderful name and is charming. Check the Better Business Bureau and state licensing. Always get 3 estimates. Obtain a written contract. And, never pay more than 10% or $1,000 up-front, whichever is less.
• Have a second line of defense at their front door (a peephole or locked screen door).

Report any suspected mistreatment immediately. Contact the Helpline for your state athttp://www.ncea.aoa.gov/NCEAroot/Main_Site/Find_Help/Help_Hotline.aspx

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I hope you were able to listen to my interview with Viki Kind (bioethicist and author.)  It is so worth 30 minutes of your time to learn about how to make compassionate decisions about your parent’s healthcare.  If you missed it, you can click here to listen to the archived recording.

During our interview, there was one question & answer that struck me as being extremely important to share.  I asked Viki, “What is the best way to find a doctor who will respect and protect your aging parent’s wishes and needs?”

Here are her insightful tips:

• Ask a nurse who knows of or has worked with the doctor
• Ask for a reference from another trusted healthcare provider
• Check the doctor’s credentials online at a source such as http://www.healthgrades.com/
• Observe how the doctor interacts with your loved one.  Viki advises the doctor should speak “to, not about” your parent.  In other words, the doctor should connect with, not ignore your parent.
• Test the doctor to see if he’d respect your parent’s wishes.  Take your parent’s Advance Directives to the doctor, and ask if he/she will be able to respect and implement end-of-life wishes.
• If your parent has strong cultural or religious views, it may be helpful to select a doctor of that culture or religion to ensure your parent’s wishes will be respected and met.

Be sure to check out Viki Kind’s new book: “The Caregiver’s Guide to Compassionate Decision Making: Making Decision For Those Who Can’t”

Her website is http://kindethics.com/

She will be on a book tour this summer in major cities across the country.  To see if she’ll be in a city near you, go to http://booktour.com/author/viki_kind

Tomorrow you can hear Viki in person!  I am excited to share that Viki will join me on my BlogTalkRadio show  to discuss how her new book will help family members/caregivers dealing with those who have Alzheimer’s, dementia, strokes, mental illness, or other mental limitations.  Viki has lectured across the United States teaching healthcare professionals to have integrity, compassion and to improve end-of-life care through better communication.   Patients, families and healthcare professionals rely on Viki’s practical approach to dealing with challenging healthcare dilemmas.

How will Viki’s book help you? Whether it’s taking away the car keys, moving to a long-term care facility or making the end-of-life decisions, “The Caregiver’s Path” provides an adaptable system for making choices while respecting the individual’s values and beliefs. The tools and strategies learned will help remove the continuous angst of, “Am I doing the right thing?”

Listen to learn about Viki’s new adaptable system, tools and strategies. And, call in with your questions! http://kindethics.com/

As I said in my review, there were parts of Viki’s book that just took my breath away, especially the last chapter.  Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

To listen online, click here.

Call in at:  (347) 857-1461

I’ll share how to use my ADAPT method to manage a caregiving crisis.   I’ve just released the ADAPT method in my new book, “Transitioning Your Aging Parent: A 5 Step Guide Through Crisis & CIhange”.  If you want to learn about the benefits of ADAPT for you, your aging parent and your family, please tune in.   I’ll also be sharing other tips and resources in my book.  And, I’ll be glad to answer your questions.

Before or after our radio interview, be sure to check out the wonderful resources and services offered by Denise Brown.  Denise was a pioneer in bringing support to caregivers via the Internet!    Thank you, Denise, for all you do for caregivers.  You are an guiding force and inspiration.  It is an honor to be on your show.

Denise M. Brown, a certified professional coach, helps family caregivers of aging relatives find the answers to their questions: Why me? Why now? What now? Denise began working with family caregivers in 1990, launching Caregiving.com in 1996. Her insights about the family caregiver experience have been featured in Time magazine, The Wall Street Journal and Chicago Tribune. Her Internet talk show, Your Caregiving Journey, airs several times a week at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/caregiving. She has authored two books for family caregivers: Take Comfort, Reflections of Hope for Caregivers and The Caregiving Years, Six Stages to a Meaningful Journey.

Don’t miss out on a chance to listen live and call in with your questions.

Listen online at:  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/caregiving/2010/06/14/adapting

Call in at: (646) 652-4944

Here is the link for Denise’s excellent website and portal to her caregiver support groups: http://www.caregiving.com/

(If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my blog posts or request my Free E-Course. Thanks for visiting!)

While discovering that our aging parent has Alzheimer’s may seem like a devastating loss, one woman shows us the way to view it as a life-changing opportunity.

That woman is Lori La Bey.  She is no stranger to Alzheimer’s.  Her mother suffered early onset Alzheimer’s, and after 30 years, is in the end stage of the disease.  However, all you have to do is spend a few minutes talking with Lori, and you will know that Lori considers herself blessed to have gained a deeper understanding and richer relationship with her dear mother…because of this disease.

I interviewed Lori on my BlogTalkRadio show today.  If you can spare the 30 minutes, please listen to our interview.  Click here.

Here are the highlights:

• As Lori sought out resources to help her understand the disease of Alzheimer’s, she found resources that offered statistics and talked about the disease from a medical perspective.  What Lori found lacking was a holistic approach that would help families understand how to relate to and communicate with their loved ones as the disease progressed.  Lori wanted to look beyond the illness.

• Lori began to understand that it is the ’simple pleasures … the special moments’ that would mean so much to her mom and her.  In fact, Lori likes to say “grasp the moment, and embrace the moment.”

• Lori advises us “not” to lose our original relationship of daughter and parent.  She is a perfect model for what she shares with others.  Her efforts are always directed to help her mother feel great joy, whether through music, singing, a gentle massage, or saying “I love you” every time she walks in the room and leaves.

• On Lori’s website, she offers a special (no cost) tool, called “The Memory Card”.  She advises completing this small card and then reading it every time before you walk in your parent’s room.  It is simple but powerful, and it will frame your perspective so that you remember what is truly important in your relationship, and let any other annoyances go.

• There is another tool, called “The Memory Journal” for visitors and the family. Lori shared that often visitors do not know what to say or do, and may actually stay away because of this.  “The Memory Journal” offers a special way for visitors to write down what is most important to them about the person, what they want to remember about the person, and optionally include a photo.  This is a wonderful gift for the familly to reflect upon and share with their loved one.

Lori’s loving and fun-loving spirit came shining through in the interview.  She said if we ask an ill person what they most want, their answer will often be that they just want to be “normal” again.  She encourages us to laugh with our loved one and to always let the love flow.

I encourage you to check out what Lori offers on her sites.  Know that she is also a much sought after speaker, consultant and trainer around the country.

• To read Lori’s poignant and often funny stories of her journey with her mother through Alzheimer’s, please visit her ‘Alzheimer’s Speaks’ blog
• To reach her incredible resources, the Memory Chip and the Memory Journal, please visit her ‘Alzheimer’s Speaks’ website

Thank you, Lori, for giving families help and hope!!!!